As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
