What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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