My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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