drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
