I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
