1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
only you would photoshop your dick
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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