we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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