Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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