I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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