some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
