I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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