My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
These tits shall not be calmed
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
