I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I could make wine with my vomit
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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