I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
sarcasm needs its own font
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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