The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I am naked and annoyed.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
