Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize