So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
