she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
