Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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