It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
