While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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