Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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