i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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