Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
