I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
