At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
