Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
