oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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