matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
