she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
