How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
