You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
