I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
