John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
