I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
