Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
