I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize