Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
