I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Randomize
