I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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