I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
