Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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