You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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