im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize