if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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