evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just google imaged poop.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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