we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
