I want to walk on stilts...naked
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
