I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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