watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
