I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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