Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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