I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
