I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
