Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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