I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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