You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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