the day after is always just damage control
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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