What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
