So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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