Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize