I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
