ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
