I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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