you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize