so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
